If your child needs you close to fall asleep, that’s completely normal! Many little ones feel safest when a parent is nearby as they drift off—it’s how they’re wired. But if you’re looking for a responsive, relationship-based way to support them in building a little more independence at bedtime, I want to share one of my favorite strategies with you: The Pop-Out Strategy.
This is not sleep training. It’s not about forcing separation before your child is ready. It’s about gradually, at your child’s pace, creating small moments of space while maintaining connection and trust.
How the Pop-Out Strategy Works
If your child is used to you staying next to them until they’re completely asleep, you don’t need to change that overnight. Instead, you start by stepping away for just a brief moment and coming right back.
For example, after tucking them in, you might say:
“I’m just going to grab a drink of water. I’ll be right back.”
Then, you actually come right back within 30 seconds to a minute.
At first, you might only do this once per night. But as your child gets more comfortable, you can gradually increase the frequency and duration of these little pop-outs. Maybe after a few nights, you check in, snuggle for a few minutes, and then do another pop-out. Eventually, what often happens is that your child falls asleep during one of your pop-outs without even realizing it.
It’s not forced, it’s not rushed—it’s just providing gentle opportunities for your child to practice being alone in a safe and supported way.
Opportunities to Practice Safe Separation
One of the reasons this strategy works so well is because it gives your child small, low-pressure opportunities to practice short separations in a safe environment.
For some kids, separation—especially at bedtime—can feel overwhelming. But by introducing these brief moments in a predictable, reassuring way, they start to see that:
✅ You always come back when you say you will.
✅ Being alone for a moment is okay and safe.
✅ Falling asleep doesn’t have to feel scary.
Practicing short separations during the day—like stepping out of the playroom for a minute and returning—can also help build their confidence and reinforce the idea that when you leave, you always come back.
What If My Child Runs After Me?
This is where loving boundaries come in.
Responsive parenting is not permissive parenting. Boundaries are an essential part of helping our children feel safe. You can be warm, nurturing, and responsive while also setting clear, loving limits.
If your child follows you out of the room or becomes upset, you can gently guide them back and say:
“I know it’s hard when I leave, but I’ll be back in just a minute. I promise.”
If they continue to follow you, validate their feelings while reinforcing the boundary:
“I see that you don’t want me to leave, but it’s time to rest. I’ll be back to check on you soon.”
The key is to remain calm and consistent. You’re not ignoring their emotions or forcing independence before they’re ready, but you are showing them that it’s okay to be apart for short moments and that you always follow through on what you say.
Trust is Everything
One of the most important parts of this strategy is making sure your child knows they can trust you. If you say, “I’ll be back in a minute,” you need to be back in about a minute. Not ten minutes. Not thirty.
The more predictable and reliable you are, the safer your child will feel. And that safety is what allows them to relax and eventually fall asleep without needing you right next to them.
Things to Keep in Mind
- Your child should not be distressed. If even a one-minute separation feels overwhelming, that’s a sign they might not be developmentally ready yet. And that’s okay! It’s better to wait and try again later than to push it before they’re ready.
- There’s no rush. Some kids naturally ease into more independence at bedtime, while others need their parents close for years. That’s not a problem—it’s just how they’re wired.
- Connection is key. If your child is struggling to settle, focusing on connection—not just at bedtime, but throughout the day—can make a big difference.
- Boundaries can be loving and firm. You can set limits around bedtime while still being warm and responsive. Helping your child through this transition doesn’t mean avoiding all frustration or resistance—it means offering support while holding those limits with kindness.
- It’s a process. You may start with just one quick pop-out and then gradually build up to more as your child adjusts. Eventually, they may fall asleep during one of your pop-outs, and before you know it, they’re drifting off on their own without even realizing it.
If you’d like more ideas to create a bedtime routine that helps your child feel safe, secure, and confident as they grow, grab my free guide, The Connected Bedtime—it’s completely free with the code FREE! Grab it here.
