I’ve heard this comparison a lot: People say that talking about safe bedsharing is like teaching teens about safe sex instead of just promoting abstinence. I understand what they’re trying to do. It’s an attempt to shift the conversation away from fear-based messaging and toward harm reduction. And for some people, that analogy might help them grasp the point more easily. I do think that we oftentimes have to meet people where they are, and so this analogy may help them understand.
But I don’t love it. It just doesn’t land for me, and here’s why.
Teen sex, especially before marriage, is not necessary. It’s not something teens need to do to function or survive. It’s often impulsive and full of risk with very little benefit at that stage of life. The risks far outweigh the benefits, and it’s really about helping teens manage their impulses.
Bedsharing is not the same. It’s really hard to compare the two behaviors, honestly.
Parents don’t bedshare because they can’t control themselves or because they are lazy. They do it because their babies need closeness. Because the baby won’t sleep alone. Because they’re breastfeeding. Because they’re exhausted and doing what they need to do to survive the night and care for their children the following day. And because, when done safely and intentionally, bedsharing can actually be the best option for many families.
There are real, evidence-based benefits to safe bedsharing. It supports breastfeeding. It promotes bonding. It helps regulate the baby’s breathing and heart rate. And in many cases, it may even be safer than crib sleeping, especially when the alternative is falling asleep with a baby on a couch or in a chair.
This analogy makes it sound like bedsharing is only ever risky or dangerous and that the parents who do it are careless or just giving in to temptation. That mindset feeds the judgment and shame that so many parents already feel. It dismisses the reality that for many families, safe bedsharing is a thoughtful, loving, and informed decision.
So while I get what people are trying to say, I think we can do better. We can find a comparison that doesn’t reduce bedsharing to a reckless behavior or a failure of self-control. We can talk about it in a way that reflects the nuance and care that most bedsharing parents are already bringing to the table.
One comparison that makes more sense to me is how we talk about swimming or driving. With swimming, we acknowledge there’s some risk involved. But we don’t tell parents to just avoid the water forever. We don’t say, swimming is dangerous, so never let your child near it. Instead, we offer education and support. We teach swim safety, encourage swimming lessons, and talk about supervision. We do this because we know swimming also brings benefits. It can be joyful, fun, good for development, and important for overall wellbeing.
The same goes for driving. Yes, there are risks when you drive. But there are also risks to staying inside all day and never participating in life. Most of us need to drive to function in society. So instead of banning driving altogether, we focus on education and safety. We talk about car seat safety, seat belts, airbags, defensive driving. We give parents the tools to keep their kids safe in the car, rather than pretending the car itself is the problem.
This is the kind of approach we need when it comes to bedsharing. One that acknowledges the real risks, but also the real benefits. One that trusts parents to make informed choices when given the right information and support.
