I’ve learned this the hard way after almost nine years of parenting, three kids in, and somehow I still catch myself doing the same thing. My toddler falls, or they’re having a hard time, or they’re just overwhelmed and asking to be held again, and my first thought isn’t always to just pick them up when I’m busy or just need a moment to myself. I still have that reaction in my head like, “you’re getting too old for this. You can’t be held every time something goes wrong. You need to learn to handle it.” So I hesitate. I try to talk them through it, or distract them, or get them to move on without needing me.
And it just keeps going. It gets louder, more dramatic, more drawn out. What should have been a quick moment turns into this whole thing that lasts way longer than it needs to. I can feel myself getting frustrated, they’re clearly not calming down, and it just spirals. And then I finally give in. I pick them up, I hold them, sometimes they nurse for a minute, sometimes it’s just a snuggle and a kiss, and within a couple minutes they’re completely fine. They’re wiggling to get down, running off to play like nothing even happened. And every time I wonder why did I felt the need to fight that. Because it happens over and over again. I have that thought, I resist it, it gets worse, and then the second I just meet the need, it’s done.
Even this far into parenting, I still have that voice in my head telling me they should be more independent, that they shouldn’t need me this much, that maybe I’m reinforcing something by responding every time. And I know that’s not actually coming from me, it’s just what we hear all the time. That kids are too clingy, too attached, that they need to learn to self-regulate, that we shouldn’t be picking them up every time they’re upset. So even when you know better, it still gets in your head and makes you hesitate in the moment.
But when you actually look at what’s happening, it’s pretty simple. They’re not asking to be held just because. They’re overwhelmed, their nervous system is dysregulated, and something feels big to them even if it seems small to us. They don’t have the ability to calm themselves down yet, so they come to us. That’s what they’re supposed to do. They co-regulate with us, and being held, being close, nursing, all of that helps bring them back down so they can move on.
And every time I try to push independence in that exact moment, it doesn’t help. It just drags it out and makes everything harder than it needs to be. What could have been a two minute reset turns into something that takes ten or fifteen minutes, and feels exhausting for both of us. But when I just respond right away and pick them up, it’s usually over almost as quickly as it started. A snuggle, a hug, maybe a quick nursing session, and they’re good.
It’s made me think about how often we’re actually making this harder than it needs to be. Because it feels like we’re supposed to be teaching something in those moments, like we shouldn’t “give in” too quickly. But when you look at what actually works, it’s the opposite. Meeting the need right away makes everything easier, not harder.
From a developmental perspective, this makes perfect sense. Young kids aren’t able to regulate their nervous systems on their own yet. Right now, they rely on us to help them calm down, and over time, with enough of those experiences, they start to internalize it and build that ability themselves. So responding to them isn’t creating dependence, it’s actually part of how they become more independent.
I still have to remind myself of this all the time. But every time I stop fighting it and just pick them up, it works. It’s faster, it’s easier, and it makes the whole situation so much better for both of us. Most of the time, they don’t need a whole explanation or lesson in independence. They just need a snuggle.
