My husband and I have slept in different beds for the last four years. Some people call it “sleep divorced”, but I don’t particularly like that term.
There is so much stigma surrounding significant others sleeping in different beds, but the truth is that this can be very beneficial for many couples.
As for my husband and I, for the last four years, we have been bedsharing with at least one child, and our sleep circumstances change often. We started sleeping in separate beds when I was night weaning my oldest child. At the time, we were also trying to transition her away from bedsharing with me, so my husband began bedsharing with her in her own room and her own bed. This worked for us because I was pregnant and was struggling with sleep, so I needed to optimize my sleep and minimize disruptions.
After I had my second child, my husband continued to sleep with my oldest child in her bed while I bedshared with my son in my bed. My husband could have theoretically slept with us after my daughter was asleep, and just respond to her as needed, but my son had underlying oral motor dysfunction and breathing issues that caused him to be a very restless sleeper, so it made more sense for him to get his rest in another room while I supported my son at night. Then, he would wake up very early and take over caring for my newborn so that I could get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep before he went to work. It wouldn’t have made sense for both my husband and myself to be up every half hour with my son, not getting rest. Instead, taking shifts, in a sense, seemed to work best for our situation. Plus, my oldest child still enjoyed sleeping with my husband, and we felt safer having him in with her, too.
Fast forward to the present and my oldest child now sleeps in her own room independently, but we still bedshare with my son. Since night weaning him, my husband and I actually now take turns bedsharing with him. One night, I will bedshare with him in his bed while my husband sleeps alone in our bed, and the next night, we switch. This works really well for us because we both like to wake up early to get things done, and it can sometimes be challenging to sneak out of the room early when bedsharing. Also, my son usually sleeps very well, but occasionally does have restless nights. Switching out who sleeps with him each night gives us both the opportunity to optimize our rest and wake up early if we need to, while still being responsive to my son’s needs for closeness and comfort.
I’m going to tell you something that might shock you:
Occasionally, my children spend the night with their grandmother, and even when my husband and I have the house to ourselves, we still choose to sleep in separate beds.
Why? Because we prioritize our sleep, and we both sleep better when we don’t have someone in the bed next to us. When we have a rare night alone, without having to care for our children, we choose to spend time together in the evening, and then separate into our own bedrooms for the night to optimize our sleep.
I know this is taboo and many people don’t understand this. Lots of people think you must share a bed with your spouse in order to have a healthy relationship, but I think this is a strange idea. Since when is the middle of the night when we are basically unconscious the most important time to connect with our partner?
Prioritizing our sleep in this way helps our mental health and energy levels, which in turn, helps us be better parents and better partners to each other. Knowing we won’t sleep in the same bed also helps us to be more intentional with connecting in the evening and in the morning when we wake up, which is something that we used to take for granted.
I’m not sure if sleeping in separate spaces will continue as our kids get older and sleep independently. I assume there will be a time when we share a bed again, but for now, when quality sleep can be hit or miss, it’s working for us.
I know I’m not alone. Lots of couples have improved their sleep quality by sleeping in separate rooms, without sacrificing the health of their relationship. If you and your significant other sleep in separate beds, I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
If you are in need of more sleep support, grab one of my comprehensive eCourses, such as The Infant Sleep Foundations eCourse or the Toddler Sleep Foundations eCourse. If you’d prefer 1:1 support, you can book a call or support package. If you really just need to help with safely bedsharing, my friend Tiffany, has some amazing bedsharing FAQ guides that I highly recommend! This information I wish I had access to years ago when I first started bedsharing. Grab the FAQ bundle here, and save $5 with the code taylorkulik.
Love this!! I “kicked” my husband out when I was pregnant for tile fact that I started prioritizing my sleep. He snores and I dealt with it for so long, but pregnancy got the best of me. My son is now 15 months and we still sleep separately, now for the opposite reason- prioritizing HIS sleep. My son does not sleep thru and I still nurse him at night, so didn’t make sense for my husband to also not get rest. It works! And I’m SO glad to hear this being normalized!
Thank you so much for sharing Taylor. Your story has mirrored my own in many ways (including the age of our littles!) and sharing your experience reminds me I’m not alone. When my husband and I really talk about our situation, we are both in agreement that it makes sense to sleep alone. We’ve been doing this since my third trimester with my second when I was struggling sleeping and was too loud (snoring) for my husband to sleep well. We’ve stayed this way (him with my older child and me with the younger) for the last 3 + years. Although we have 2 highly sensitive kiddos and sleep (even now) can be difficult for both of them, this meets there needs in a way that still gives us the sleep we need. Often times it is difficult to tune out the societal noise that seeps into our minds on a daily basis. Often times it is easy to “blame” our normal marriage problems with the fact that we are often responding at night to one or both of our children but it really has nothing to do with where we sleep. Although we both look forward to the day that we are snuggled next to each other in bed, I wouldn’t give up the time we have been given with our children and how secure and attached they are to us. Thank you for everything you do!
I’ve never felt so seen before … you are not alone!
My husband and I co-sleep with our two children and my husband will often sleep in his office/our spare room. It allows him to get uninterrupted rest because he is usually up for work earlier than us and it allows me and my toddlers more space and I sleep better knowing they are near me and okay through the night. When the kids are asleep we still have time together at night to relax or for extra curriculars. It works for us and when our kids sleep independently in their own beds we will probably go back to sleeping together. For now we are happy as is.
I love reading this. We’ve bedshared with our kids (5 and 1) since the oldest was born. Once I was pregant she consistently slept in her room, either with my husband or me. After our baby was born, I was sleeping with the baby in our room and he would sleep with our oldest. It worked for everyone! Now that she’s 16 months (I still breasfeed) I feed her before bed and my husband will put her down and I’ll do my oldest. She falls asleep really fast with him and does 4 to 5 hour long stretches of sleep, with me? Every 2 hours ha! So the last few weeks we’ve been trading so that I can get some good sleep at least half the week. It works for us, I know people think it’s weird and have even told me I’m making a mistake but who cares? Definitely not me, my husband and most definitinely not the kids. We love it and know it won’t last forever. Thanks for shining a light on separate rooms!
Great points here! “Why is sleeping in the same bed so vital when you’re both in an unconscious state??” Haha! I’m in a similar boat at times with my 7 year old, still undoing trauma caused by “sleep training” aka crying it out in the past. Whereas my 2 year old who I never did training with sleeps through the night in his bed now!!! Which has been glorious since I’m expecting my 3rd. I co-slept with him from newborn until about 19 months. He’s transitioned great! Now the question here though for you Taylor, which is personal but good for thought, when in the world is intimacy time fit in with your husband?? We struggle to figure that time out with having an older child in our room. Once a date night just doesn’t cut it! Haha! God bless your work here Taylor! You speak so much truth!