If you’ve ever found yourself Googling “how to safely sleep with my baby” at 3 a.m. after another long night of wakeups, you’re not alone. And if you landed on articles screaming “never bed share” without offering real, practical alternatives, you probably felt confused, maybe even ashamed. How can something that feels so natural, so necessary for survival some nights, be painted as reckless?
Let’s talk about that.
The problem with how research defines bed sharing
One of the biggest problems with the research used to make anti-bed sharing recommendations is that there’s no consistent definition of what “bed sharing” actually means. Some studies include sleeping on couches or recliners under the bed sharing category, even though these are never safe and shouldn’t be equated with intentional, planned bed sharing on a safe sleep surface. Others include cases involving alcohol, drug use, smoking, or other high-risk environments.
By lumping all of these different sleep situations together, the data becomes skewed. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) often cites these kinds of studies to justify a universal recommendation to avoid bed sharing entirely. But when we look at studies that actually differentiate between safe and unsafe bed sharing, a very different picture emerges.
What the data actually shows
Professor James McKenna, a leading expert on infant sleep and author of Safe Infant Sleep: Expert Answers to Your Cosleeping Questions (McKenna, 2020), has spent decades studying the biology of infant sleep. He emphasizes that not all bed sharing is the same and that safe bed sharing, especially among breastfeeding dyads, is often physiologically protective.
One important study by Peter Blair and colleagues (Blair et al., 2014) found that when risk factors were removed, there was no significant increase in SIDS risk associated with bed sharing in infants under 3 months. Even more compelling, the study found that bed sharing actually had a protective effect for older infants.
But most parents and even most pediatricians never hear about this research. Instead, they hear one message: never bedshare.
Another problem: what counts as “SIDS”?
Just like there’s no standardized definition of bed sharing in the research, there also isn’t a clear, universal definition of SIDS. We now use terms like SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and SUID (Sudden Unexpected Infant Death), often interchangeably. This creates a lot of confusion and further muddies the data.
When studies lump all sleep-related deaths together, it becomes nearly impossible to isolate whether a death was due to suffocation, an underlying medical issue, or something else entirely. This lack of clarity leads to overly broad, fear-based recommendations rather than thoughtful guidance rooted in nuance.
Bed sharing families are underrepresented in research
There’s another major issue that rarely gets discussed. Many parents who bed share don’t report it to their doctors. Studies and surveys suggest that over half of bed sharing parents don’t disclose it to their pediatricians out of fear of judgment or being reported.
This creates a culture of secrecy that directly affects research accuracy. When families who bed share safely and have healthy outcomes are excluded from the data, it paints an incomplete picture. It starts to look like most bed sharing leads to tragedy, when in reality, most bed sharing parents never show up in the statistics because they’re afraid to speak up.
Many studies and surveys reveal that most breastfeeding mothers share a bed with their baby at some point. This includes an informal survey I conducted with over 9,000 people. Still, bed sharing tends to be underreported.
And that matters. Because if a large group of successful, safe bed sharing families is excluded from the data, then the remaining data becomes disproportionately negative. It looks like bed sharing is more dangerous than it really is.
What safe bed sharing actually looks like
We should be teaching parents how to bed share safely instead of scaring them into silence. Here are a few core principles based on McKenna’s research and the safe sleep guidelines for breastfeeding families:
- Baby is exclusively breastfed
- No smoking in the home or around the baby
- No alcohol, drugs, or sedating medications
- Baby is placed on a firm, flat mattress
- No pillows, heavy blankets, or pets near baby
- Only one parent (ideally the breastfeeding parent) in the bed with baby
- Baby is placed on their back to sleep
- Parent and baby sleep in a cuddle curl position, with baby’s head level with the breast and the parent’s body curled protectively around them
This is what informed, intentional bed sharing can look like. It’s not risky couch naps or accidental sleep on a recliner. It’s not chaotic or careless. It’s thoughtful, connected, and deeply rooted in biology.
Unplanned vs. planned bed sharing
It’s important to make the distinction between unplanned and planned bed sharing. Unplanned bed sharing is often what leads to dangerous outcomes. This kind of co-sleeping typically happens in unsafe environments, like a parent accidentally falling asleep with baby on a couch, recliner, or cluttered bed. It’s reactive, not prepared for, and often involves other risk factors like exhaustion, sedating medications, or improper sleep surfaces.
Planned and prepared bed sharing, on the other hand, is usually much safer. It involves taking proactive steps to create a safe environment for both baby and parent. When bed sharing is approached intentionally, in the absence of known risk factors, and with informed guidance, it can be a safe and biologically normal way to support infant sleep and breastfeeding.
That’s why it’s so important to talk about it. When we pretend bed sharing doesn’t happen or scare families into silence, we increase the risk of unplanned, unsafe situations. By acknowledging the reality and sharing the tools to do it safely, we can actually protect more babies.
Parents deserve more than fear
Many families will bed share at some point, whether they mean to or not. Pretending otherwise doesn’t help. And it doesn’t keep babies safer. We reduce risk by providing information, not by pretending that one-size-fits-all rules work for every family.
The AAP continues to issue broad “just don’t do it” warnings, but that approach ignores the lived experiences of countless families, especially breastfeeding mothers. It also ignores the research that shows safe bed sharing, when done intentionally and in the absence of risk factors, can be a safe and even beneficial choice.
We can do better. Parents deserve better.
Want to learn more about how to bed share safely? I have a full blog post that walks through exactly what that looks like. Read it here.
If you want to dive deeper into responsive, holistic sleep support, I offer two comprehensive courses designed to guide you through infant and toddler sleep challenges with respect and practicality. Whether you’re navigating newborn nights or toddler transitions, these courses provide clear, evidence-based strategies to help your whole family rest better—without sleep training or pressure.
Learn more about the Infant Sleep Course and Toddler Sleep Course and take the next step toward peaceful, connected sleep.
References:
- McKenna, J. J. (2020). Safe Infant Sleep: Expert Answers to Your Cosleeping Questions. Platypus Media.
- Blair, P. S., Sidebotham, P., Pease, A., & Fleming, P. J. (2014). Bed-sharing in the absence of hazardous circumstances: Is there a risk of sudden infant death syndrome? Pediatrics, 134(2), e406-e413.
