If you’ve read the sleep training blogs, books, and other advice, you might be led to believe that all babies are very similar in how they should sleep, and that if you just implement a certain schedule or set of strategies, you’ll be able to effectively get your child to sleep independently and for long stretches. What’s being sold is usually a one-size-fits-all approach to “solving” infant sleep “problems” (which often aren’t actually problems at all).
New parents are inevitably exposed to this sleep training advice, and when it doesn’t work for their baby, they are understandably confused and frustrated. Perhaps they blame themselves for their baby’s lack of ability to sleep independently or for their night wakes. (Need somewhere to start with responsive sleep? Grab the Respectful Sleep Solutions freebie.)
Mainstream sleep training approaches often fail to recognize the individuality of each baby or child. A child’s unique temperament and specific needs is rarely discussed by those who advocate for sleep training.
There’s actually a very simple reason that your toddler has always needed support to get to sleep, while your nephew has fallen asleep independently since he was 3 months old.
Or why your 5 year old needs lots of closeness to feel safe and secure, while the toddler down the block has no problems sleeping independently in his own room.
These children all have different temperaments.
Temperament is the way a person naturally reacts to the world around them. Temperament impacts how sensitive a person is, how energetic they are, how reactive they are, how adaptable they are, and much more. Current research indicates that temperament is largely determined by genes, and is not something that can be changed. Temperament can, however, present differently depending on how it is managed or how a child is parented and interacted with. But, a person’s foundational temperament remains the same.
There are many different theories of temperament, but for the purpose of this post, we will stick with the research of Chess, Thomas, and Birch (1968), which demonstrates that there are nine distinct differences in the way children interact with the world around them:
- Intensity: high versus low
- Persistence: high versus low
- Sensitivity: high versus low
- Perceptiveness: high versus low
- Adaptability: high versus low
- Regularity: irregular versus regular
- Energy: high versus low
- First Reaction: withdrawal versus approach
- Mood: serious versus positive/happy
Think of each of these categories as a spectrum. Your child might fall on the extreme left or right side of each spectrum, or they could fall somewhere in the middle. More sensitive people tend to fall on the “high” ends of the spectrum, but some sensitive people also present on the “low” side of certain domains.
What’s important is getting an idea of who your unique child is and where they fall, not to label them, but so that you can better understand them. This will help you to better meet their needs. You can also see where you, as a parent or caregiver, fall in each area, and where you might be similar or much different than your child. This can be helpful because often parents struggle when their own temperament is very different than their child’s temperament. It is difficult to relate and understand another person who responds very differently to the world than we do. Oftentimes, it can even feel like a personal attack! For example, if your child is highly sensitive and very bothered by loud noises or easily overstimulated and you are on the low end of sensitivity, you may unknowingly be doing things or participating in daily activities that are overstimulating to your child. A solution to this would be to understand your child’s different temperament and be more aware of the stimuli they are being exposed to during the day. You could create more relaxing and quiet times during the day to meet their needs, even though you don’t personally need these quiet times.
Let’s bring it full circle and go back to those examples of the children who don’t need as much support versus those who do.
Why does your toddler always need support to get to sleep, while your nephew has fallen asleep independently since he was 3 months old? Is it because you are a bad parent, or there is something wrong with your toddler? No. It could be because your nephew has low sensitivity and intensity, and high adaptability causing them to be a bit more easy going and not need much support. Meanwhile, your toddler could be on the high end of sensitivity and intensity, and slow to adapt, often leading to greater need for proximity and closeness and support.
Why does your baby refuse to be laid in her crib and only sleeps next to you while your friend’s baby lays in his crib independently without fuss? It’s possible that you have a baby who is very persistent and will not give up in getting what she wants, while your friend might have a baby who is less persistent. If you know your baby is the type of child who would cry for hours if you laid them in your crib, and you can’t imagine how you could ever sleep train, you likely have a very persistent baby. If you easily sleep trained your child, and they only fussed for a minute or two when you laid them in the crib, you likely have a baby who is not so persistent.
When a child is very sensitive, she likely notices everything in her environment and has a more difficult time unwinding and relaxing her nervous system. These children often need more help than less sensitive children to calm down enough to be able to get to sleep because their nervous systems can be more easily dysregulated.
For the slow to adapt child, you may not be able to expect them to fall asleep quickly and peacefully like the adaptable child. Your child might benefit from a longer bedtime that will give them the extra time they need to unwind and get ready for sleep. This child benefits from consistent bedtime routines and not being rushed through those bedtime routines.
It’s important to remember that temperament is not negative or positive. There should not be any moral judgements made about a child’s temperament- they are not “good babies” because they don’t fuss much and are very adaptable just like they are not “bad babies” for being highly sensitive, persistent, and energetic. All babies are “good” babies regardless of their temperament. Parents also have no control over their child’s temperament. You need to know that you did nothing to cause your child to have one temperament over the other, and there is nothing you can do, or need to do, to change your child’s temperament.
Parents often feel like they are failing when they have a baby with a sensitive, or spirited, temperament because our society is more accepting of easy going temperaments and perceives them as being ideal, while high needs temperaments are perceived as unideal or problematic. When a parent feels they have to support their baby more and do more work than other parents, it can feel like something is wrong- either with their parenting skills or their baby.
But there isn’t anything wrong. It’s helpful to understand your child’s temperament so that you can accept who your child is, and parent them accordingly rather than trying to parent the child you wish you had. If you have a spirited child, I can’t recommend this book enough. It was transformative to be as a parent of spirited children!
If you are in need of more sleep support, grab one of my comprehensive eCourses (the Infant Sleep Foundations eCourse or the Toddler Sleep Foundations eCourse). The toddler eCourse includes a section on sensory processing & sleep, which will be very helpful if you have a highly sensitive, highly perceptive child. If you’d prefer 1:1 support, you can book a call or support package.
