I talk about temperament a lot, because once you really understand it, so many things about parenting start to make sense. It explains why two children raised in the same home can react in completely different ways, and why some kids can do things like sleep independently or handle transitions with almost no effort, while others struggle from the very beginning. Their behavior is not a reflection of our success or failure as parents. It is simply who they are.
All of my babies have been high needs and persistent, but my third has taken that trait to an entirely new level. Persistence is one of the nine temperament traits, and it is a powerful one. Persistent children do not quit easily. They don’t give in quickly. When they want something, they pour their whole body and nervous system into that want. These are the babies who cannot be sleep trained without extreme distress, because their nervous system ramps up so fast and so intensely that they will scream until they gag, shake, or even vomit. These are the toddlers who will scream for half an hour because you moved a book, or tried to set them down, or shifted them to your back instead of holding them in your arms. None of this is because they are trying to be difficult or manipulative. Their nervous system is simply wired in a way that makes emotional regulation incredibly hard in those moments.
If you’re raising a child like this, you know exactly how exhausting and confusing it can be. You know what it’s like to stay calm while a small person is thrashing, sweating, kicking, and screaming with no sign of slowing down no matter what you try. You know the second-guessing that happens, the feeling that you must be doing something wrong because the strategies that seem to work so well for other families don’t even make a dent for yours. Because social media is full of people confidently offering advice, it’s easy to feel like you’re somehow missing the mark. But the truth is that a lot of those “easy” situations have more to do with a child’s natural temperament than with any special skill on the parent’s part.
Temperament helps explain much of this. The nine traits include persistence, activity level, adaptability, intensity, mood, rhythmicity, distractibility, sensory sensitivity, and approach or withdrawal. (more about temperament in this blog post.) Every child has all nine traits, but the levels and combinations vary so much that they create completely different lived experiences. These traits are not indicators of good behavior or bad behavior. They are not a sign of how well you’re parenting. They are simply the way your child’s nervous system operates. Some kids naturally fall into patterns that feel easier to manage, while others have traits that demand more patience, more flexibility, and more emotional resources from the adults caring for them.
This is why two parents can follow the same advice and end up with two completely different outcomes. One child might put themselves to sleep with almost no effort, while another still needs significant support. One child may handle change easily, while another melts down every time their routine shifts. One child listens to boundaries with minimal pushback, while another challenges the same boundary over and over. It’s not about a parent’s effort or consistency or love offered. The difference is mostly about temperament. I have talked to hundreds of parents over the years who tell me the same story: they have multiple children and have parented them and raised them in the same way, yet some of their children will not be sleep trained, are quick to become dysregulated, need more connection and support etc.
So if you are raising a child who is persistent, intense, sensitive, or slow to adapt, I want you to hear this clearly. You are not alone and you are not doing anything wrong. You are not failing because your child needs to be held constantly or because they scream in the store or because sleep feels like a never-ending battle. You are parenting a child with traits that make their world feel louder, bigger, and harder to manage. That is not your fault. And it’s not their fault either.
The beautiful part is that the traits that feel the hardest right now often become strengths as they grow. Persistence becomes grit. Intensity becomes passion. Adaptability increases as their brain matures and they gain more tools to regulate themselves. It doesn’t stay this hard forever. You will see their growth, slowly and meaningfully, as their nervous system develops and they gain more skills.
If you’re in the thick of it, I hope it’s helpful to hear that you are not alone, and you are not failing. You can do everything “right” and still have a child who struggles. You can set clear boundaries and still have a child who pushes against them. You can be the calmest, most grounded parent and still have a child whose emotions overwhelm them. Temperament matters so much, and our job as parents is to parent the child we have in front of us.
