We’ve all been there- suddenly our baby or toddler will not let us leave their sight, and we don’t know what to do about it! Most people know this phase as separation anxiety, and it’s completely normal. Let’s talk about how to handle it.
I first want to mention that I actually really dislike that this behavior is labeled as “separation anxiety”. Increasingly, I am noticing that normal infant and child behaviors are often pathologized, and this is another example of that. The term separation anxiety makes parents feel as if their child’s behavior is a diagnosis, or somehow not normal.
What we call separation anxiety is actually a very developmentally appropriate behavior of our children- being separated from their attachment caregivers is a threat to their nervous system, and they feel worried or scared. Separation anxiety usually manifests around 6-8 months, and then most babies/children have phases of separation anxiety throughout the first 2 years of life or so. There’s not much you can do to eliminate these behaviors because they are very developmentally appropriate. But, you can definitely work with your knowledge and understanding of your child’s attachment to support them through it., and this applies to both daytime and nighttime separation. Here’s how:
Remain calm.
This can be a tough one for us! It’s important for us, as parents, to remain calm. If we are not calm and at peace with the separation, our children won’t be either.
Always say “good-bye”.
Whenever you are about to leave your child, make sure you always say “good-bye” or “good-night”. Many parents think it’s easier to sneak off, and it sometimes is for the parent, but this isn’t actually easier for the child. Clearly communicate to your child where you are going and when you will be back.
Leave your child with someone they are comfortable with and support their emotion.
If possible (specifically for leaving your child during the day), try to leave your child with someone they have a secure attachment relationship with who will help support their emotion. If you are able, supporting their emotion for a few minutes is helpful. Sometimes, we have to leave our child when they are sad (like in the case of leaving them at daycare), but for nighttime, I’d recommend not leaving your child if at all possible until they seem comfortable with the separation as this could really backfire and make independent sleep even more of a challenge.
Leave your child a piece of you to hold on to.
You can leave a piece of you with your child. Give your child something special of yours to hold onto while you are apart from them (note: make sure if you are leaving them with this at night, that it is safe and appropriate to do so depending on age). For example, you can choose a small blanket or scarf of yours and ask your child if they could take care of it and keep it safe for you until you return to get it. This does three things: It provides a physical piece of you to bridge the separation (bonus points if it smells like you), it provides a job to your child (toddlers love to feel helpful), and it also serves to remind them you will return at the time you say you will to get your special item back. This works really well for toddlers who are a bit older, but if you have a younger toddler, you can do something similar by offering a lovey that smells like you. For the child that wakes looking for you, really use scent to your advantage- make sure that special item smells like you, or even put a tshirt on a pillow and place it next to them (again, if it’s safe to do so). This isn’t to trick them. We know that little ones attach to us through their senses, and so when we can bring more of us to them (our scent is the easiest to do this with), they feel safer, and it might help them feel a little more confident in being without you.
Bridge the connection.
Separation is a huge deal to our little ones! It is actually a threat to them, and they are not fully able to hold onto us in their hearts like we are with them when we are apart. Bridging the connection is a term coined by Dr. Gordon Neufeld (check out some of my favorite parenting books here), and it means to bridge from one moment of connection to the next. This will help shift their attention and focus from the separation to the next time of connection.
An example of this: after you say “good night”, tell your child what you look forward to doing together in the morning with the. “In the morning, we’re going to go to the park together. I’m so excited to push you on the swings!”. I have many examples of fun ways to bridge the connection and create a more peaceful bedtime routine in The Connected Bedtime eGuide.
Use play to help your child process separation
Play is so powerful for our children! Children actually use play to learn and process their fears, emotions, and difficult situations. Playing peek-a-boo with your child can be really helpful in helping them understand that you will always be back when you leave. Make sure to do any kind of peek-a-boo play when your child is happy. You can also up the game a little, if appropriate, and quickly pop out of the room, and then come right back in.
I hope that helps! Remember, that it is very normal for one year olds to need lots of proximity and support, and it is very unrealistic to expect them to be completely okay with separation at night. We can understand their development and how they attach to support them, but we also need to make sure our goals and expectations are reasonable and appropriate. If you are in need of help developing realistic goals and expectations, or just needing more sleep support, grab one of my comprehensive eCourses (the Infant Sleep Foundations eCourse or the Toddler Sleep Foundations eCourse). If you’d prefer 1:1 support, you can book a call or support package.
