This is a sensitive subject, but it is a question I get asked quite often. I attempted to sleep train my first baby, so I’ve been there, and I totally understand the feeling that comes with the pressure to sleep train and believing it is something that you have to do, or your only option to get decent rest (make sure you grab this free resource about how mothers can improve the quality of their sleep without sleep training.) I also completely empathize with the feeling of regretting that decision once you have additional information and your parenting values change.
So, what do you do if you’ve done any sort of non-responsive sleep training interventions with your child, and now you’re regretting it and not feeling so confident in that decision?
First of all, give yourself grace and realize that you were doing the best you could with the information you had access to. The wonderful news is that there is always time for repairing with our children!
Why do we need to repair after sleep training?
I repeat this often, but I carry no judgement towards parents who have practiced non-responsive sleep training. As I stated above, I am one of those parents! I did the best I could with the information I had at the time.
When we are practicing non-responsive sleep training, there is a level of misattunement and asynchrony happening between the mother-baby dyad. Babies are designed to signal to us when they have a need, and in turn, they expect us to respond and meet their needs. This process is known as attunement. When we accurately assess our child’s signals and emotions, and in turn, respond to them appropriate, we are attuned to them. When we leave our baby to cry for any amount of time, there is a level of misattunement and asynchrony occurring.
I want to be clear that it is normal for periods of misattunement to occur between parent and child. It is an unreasonable expectation to be completely attuned to your child 100% of the time, and 100% attunement is not a requirement for children to have healthy attachment relationships with their parents. Misattunement does not in and of itself mean that harm has occurred. I want to emphasize that I share about potential risks of non-responsive sleep training and why we know it is not ideal for development based on the evidence we currently have access to. I do not make claims that sleep training absolutely always causes harm to all children. The truth is that it doesn’t, always. Attachment relationships are so complex, and there are many factors involved, a child’s unique temperament (read this blog post) being just one of them.
With non-responsive sleep training, a child’s signals have been ignored as an attempt to change the child’s behavior. The goal with non-responsive sleep training is to withhold responsiveness to a child, whether all at once or gradually and for timed intervals, in order to train them out of the unwanted behavior, which in this case, is usually crying, or signaling for a parent. In this, a misattunement has occurred.
But take heart! Repair is always possible after misattunement with your child, no matter how old they are.
How to repair after sleep training
The first thing you can do is to recognize that a misattunement has taken place and acknowledge it. You can take responsibility for the misattunement, or sleep training, and apologize to your child (no matter their age). Acknowledgement and taking responsibility has so much power in the repair process!
If your child is in a state of dysregulation (perhaps the misattunement was very recent), first help them co-regulate. Put simply, co-regulation is the process by which we help our children to calm themselves. They are essentially “borrowing our calm”. We can do this by first regulating ourselves. That might look like asking another caregiver to step in and support your child for a few minutes while you take a few minutes to yourself, taking some deep breaths, walking into another room and screaming into a pillow, squeezing putty, or praying. Once you are regulated, you can offer your regulation and calm to your child and help them co-regulate. Co-regulation is a dynamic and fluid process that looks different from one parent-child dyad to the next, but here are some ways you can help your child co-regulate: hold or snuggle them, rock or walk with them, speak soothing words or sing a song, reassure them you are here for them, stroke their back or head, or take deep breaths while you hold them.
Next, remember that the best thing you can do to repair after sleep training is to be responsive now. Again, this doesn’t mean you have to be perfectly attuned to your child 100% of the time, nor is this a reasonable goal for yourself, but it does mean that you make conscious choice to not practice any non-responsive sleep training methods consistently for the purpose of training your child to change their behavior. PSA: leaving the room (making sure your child is physically safe), for a few minutes if you are feeling enraged or overwhelmed with the intent to return and be responsive to your child is much different than routine non-responsive sleep training in the form of withholding responsiveness to your child simply to teach them a lesson. If you’ve practiced non-responsive sleep training in the past, you can help your child understand that you are there for them now, and continually remind them of this.
Note: I have worked with children who were sleep trained and don’t signal at night anymore because the sleep training was successful. The problem is often that the children don’t signal even when they have a need because they’ve been taught their signals are ineffective at eliciting a response. These parents will come to me and ask me how to change this so that their child lets them know if they need something. Follow the above steps + sometimes, this requires a bit extra. You can remind your child every night that if they wake up and feel scared, or need help getting back to sleep, you welcome them to cry for you or to let you know in some way, and you will be right there. In extreme cases, I sometimes recommend to these parents to actually begin sleeping with their child (either bedsharing in the parent’s room, or the parent moves into the child’s room for a temporary time) so that the parent can be aware when the child wakes and actively respond to the child. Then, once the child feels comfortable letting their parent know when they have a need, they can transition back out of cosleeping.
Play is also an excellent way to help children work through stored emotions in the body. If a child has stored up emotions in the body, such as alarm, releasing these emotions is a really helpful part of the repair process. A fun game that results in a child feeling alarm can be a safe way to allow this pent up emotion exit the body. You can try playing chase or tag with your child. Another idea: monster play! The parent pretends to be a resting monster who randomly wakes up and tries to catch their child as their child is running around them. These are great, playful ways for your child to release these stored emotions from the body in a safe way. Of course, you want to make sure your child is enjoying the game and not actually feeling stressed for this to be effective. Some children don’t like games like this, so it’s important to follow your child’s cues.
Remember to give yourself grace. I find parents are often too hard on themselves for the choices they’ve made in the past. Remember that your relationship with your child is not based only on the misattunement they’ve experienced, but rather it’s based on the totality of experiences they’ve had with you. Most parents, especially those who care about their relationship and are here reading this blog post, have had many more positive and attuned experiences with their child than not.
If you feel you need support with your child’s sleep, grab one of my comprehensive eCourses, such as The Infant Sleep Foundations eCourse or the Toddler Sleep Foundations eCourse. If you’d prefer 1:1 support, you can book a call or support package.
