We’ve all been there. We’ve had a long day, we’re exhausted, and we’re just ready to get the kids to bed so we can have some time to ourselves, spend time with our significant other, or get some things done around the house without the kids needing us.
Other times, maybe we’ve had a really busy day and it’s already way past the time we would typically put our children to bed. We’re worried they’re going to be overtired, and we feel like we need to get them to sleep as quickly as possible.
I completely understand both of these situations because I find myself in them all the time. However, I want to talk about why rushing through bedtime usually backfires and why, in many cases, slowing down and taking the time to connect with our children actually makes bedtime easier.
Rushing Through Bedtime Creates More Stress
One of the biggest problems with rushing through bedtime is that it tends to create more stress for everybody involved.
When we’re feeling hurried, stressed, and frenzied, we’re bringing that energy into our interactions with our children. Maybe we’re trying to rush them through putting on pajamas, brushing their teeth, or reading their bedtime stories because we’re so focused on getting them into bed as quickly as possible.
One of our major goals as parents when it comes to supporting our children’s sleep should be to create a sleep environment where they feel safe, calm, and relaxed. These are the conditions that help our children feel comfortable enough to rest and fall asleep.
When we’re rushing through bedtime and bringing a lot of stressed, chaotic energy into the routine, we’re essentially creating the opposite of the environment we’re trying to create. Instead of helping our children wind down and relax, we may actually be making it harder for them to settle.
Why Connection Is So Important at Bedtime
The second reason, and probably the biggest reason for me, has to do with our children’s need for connection.
I’ve used this analogy many times before, so if you’ve listened to my podcast, you’ve probably heard me talk about it. I like to think of our children’s need for connection and attachment as a gas tank or a bucket that needs to be filled.
Connection is one of our children’s foundational needs. It’s nearly as important as having food, water, and shelter, and when those attachment needs haven’t been met, our children are going to continue seeking connection and proximity to us until they feel that need has been satisfied.
When their connection gas tank is full, they’re better able to do the things they need to do, whether that’s playing independently, exploring their environment, or relaxing and going to sleep, as developmentally appropriate. However, when that gas tank isn’t full, they’re going to continue searching for ways to get that connection from us.
This is one of the reasons rushing through bedtime can become such a problem.
When we’re rushing, we might be physically present with our children, but we’re not necessarily emotionally present. Our minds are already thinking about how quickly we can get them into bed and everything we need or want to do afterward. We might be skipping a bedtime story, hurrying them through the routine, or getting frustrated when they’re not cooperating because we’re so focused on getting bedtime over with.
The problem is that we’re not really using that time to connect with our children, which means their need for connection may still be unmet when we’re expecting them to settle down and go to sleep.
Bedtime Battles Are Often Bids for Connection
When our children’s connection needs haven’t been met, we often see that show up as bedtime resistance or what we typically refer to as bedtime battles.
Maybe your child suddenly needs another book, another song, another hug, or one more trip to the bathroom even though they just went. There are certainly other reasons children resist bedtime, but one reason this happens is that they’re trying to keep us close because they’re still seeking that connection.
I think this is important to understand because sometimes the very thing we’re doing in an attempt to make bedtime go faster is actually making it take longer.
For example, let’s say your child’s bedtime routine typically takes about 20 minutes. You’ve had a long day, it’s getting late, and you’re hoping you can get through the routine in five or ten minutes instead. You start rushing through everything, maybe skipping a story or trying to get your child into bed before they’re really ready.
What often happens is that your child starts resisting bedtime, asking for more things, or getting upset when you try to leave. You become increasingly frustrated because you’re trying to get them to sleep, and before you know it, you’ve spent 20 minutes getting through bedtime anyway.
The difference is that instead of spending those 20 minutes having a calm, relaxing, connected bedtime routine, you’ve spent them feeling stressed and frustrated, and your child may be feeling that way, too.
So you’ve ended up spending the same amount of time on bedtime, but now your child may actually need even more connection and support because of the stress that was created during the process.
When our children become stressed or dysregulated, they often need additional co-regulation from us to help them return to a calmer state. This means that rushing through bedtime can create a situation where our children need even more of our time and attention before they’re able to settle down and fall asleep.
This is why I encourage parents to focus on filling their child’s connection gas tank during bedtime rather than focusing so much on how quickly they can get through the routine.
What If Your Child Is Already Overtired?
One concern I know a lot of parents have is that sometimes bedtime is already running late, and they’re worried that taking the time to go through the normal bedtime routine will make their child even more overtired.
Maybe your child is typically in bed by 7:30, but you’ve had a busy day and now it’s already 8:00. You’re feeling stressed because you know they’re tired, and you want to get them to sleep as quickly as possible.
I think the answer to this depends somewhat on the child and their age, but generally speaking, I still wouldn’t recommend rushing through bedtime in a way that creates additional stress.
If you can move through the bedtime routine a little more quickly while remaining calm, present, and engaged with your child, that’s completely fine. There’s nothing wrong with shortening the routine when you need to, as long as you’re not bringing a lot of stressed, hurried energy into the process.
Personally, if I had to choose between my children going to bed a little later, when they might be slightly overtired, but having a calm and connected bedtime routine, versus getting them into bed a little earlier with a rushed and stressful routine, I would choose the connected bedtime routine every time.
The reason for that is that rushing through bedtime and increasing stress levels isn’t conducive to sleep either. It can make it more difficult for our children to fall asleep, increase their need for co-regulation and support, and potentially impact their sleep throughout the night.
Of course, there are situations where a child is completely exhausted and ready to fall asleep, and you can skip parts of the bedtime routine without any issues. My point isn’t that you have to follow the exact same routine every single night, regardless of the circumstances. It’s that the energy we bring into bedtime matters, and we want to avoid creating unnecessary stress when we’re trying to help our children relax and fall asleep.
This Is Something I Have to Work on Myself
I also want to be clear that I’m not judging parents who find themselves rushing through bedtime, because this is something I struggle with myself.
There are plenty of nights when I notice myself starting to rush because I’m just tired of everything. I need a break, I want the kids to get into bed, and I’m ready to have some time when nobody needs anything from me.
Sometimes I get into this almost irrational fear mentality where my brain starts telling me that my kids absolutely have to go to bed right now, as if something terrible is going to happen if bedtime takes a little longer than expected.
Logically, I know that’s not true. Nothing crazy is going to happen if my children go to bed a few minutes later, but in those moments, my brain is treating the situation like it’s some kind of emergency.
I have to consciously remind myself that it’s not an emergency and that rushing through everything is probably going to make bedtime harder anyway.
I’m naturally somebody who tends to rush around a lot, so this is something I’ve had to put a lot of intentional work into, especially when it comes to how I interact with my children. I certainly don’t always get it right, and there are still plenty of times when I catch myself bringing that rushed, stressed energy into bedtime.
I know that a lot of this is easier said than done, especially when we’re exhausted or overwhelmed and just really need a break. It requires us to work on our own emotional regulation and recognize when something is genuinely urgent versus when we’re feeling stressed because things aren’t happening as quickly as we’d like.
Sometimes taking a few moments to regulate ourselves before starting bedtime, or even in the middle of the routine when we notice ourselves getting frustrated, can make a difference in how the rest of bedtime goes.
Focus on Connection Instead of Rushing Through Bedtime
If I had to give parents one piece of advice when it comes to supporting their children’s sleep, it would be to focus on creating an environment where their children feel safe, calm, relaxed, and connected.
I say this a lot because I really do think it’s one of the most important things we can do to support sleep, and it’s especially relevant when we’re talking about bedtime routines.
Our children need to feel safe and connected to us in order to relax and rest, and when those connection needs haven’t been met, they’re going to continue seeking that connection and proximity. This is why rushing through bedtime so often creates more bedtime battles and ends up taking just as much time, if not more, than it would have taken to slow down and connect in the first place.
I’m not suggesting that bedtime needs to be an elaborate, hour-long process or that we need to spend every minute of the routine giving our children our undivided attention. I just think it’s important to recognize that bedtime is an opportunity to connect with our children and help them transition into a calm, relaxed state before sleep.
If we’re going to spend 20 minutes getting our children ready for bed anyway, I’d much rather spend those 20 minutes having an enjoyable, connected bedtime routine than spend that time feeling stressed, frustrated, and trying to rush everybody through it.
So if you find yourself feeling hurried or overwhelmed at bedtime, I would encourage you to take a few moments to regulate yourself, remind yourself that bedtime isn’t an emergency, and focus on being present with your child.
You can still keep bedtime simple, and you can still move through the routine efficiently when you need to. Just try to do it in a way that supports calm and connection rather than creating more stress for everybody.
When in doubt, focus on connection. That’s one of the best things we can do to support our children’s sleep. If you want some additional ideas to help make your child’s bedtime one of peace and connection, make sure to grab this resource (now entirely FREE).
