I just want to take a few minutes to remind you that when someone says, “I did the same thing with all of my babies, and they’re all great independent sleepers,” there is probably more to it than that. Maybe they put every baby down drowsy but awake, followed the same bedtime routine from birth, or did some gentle sleep training, and it worked really well for every one of their children. Naturally, their perception is going to be that they found what works. But it’s also very possible that this family has lots of babies with temperaments that allow for easier independent sleep, and those babies would likely be pretty good sleepers regardless of what their parents did or didn’t do.
Temperament plays a big role in sleep (read more about that here), and temperament is also partially heritable. Some babies are naturally more adaptable and easygoing, while others are more sensitive, persistent, intense, or have a harder time with separation and transitions. So if you’ve had a completely different experience with your children, and no amount of gentle sleep training or laying them down drowsy but awake has worked for them, it’s very possible that you just have babies with different temperaments. It doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with your child.
I really think we all take too much credit for our babies’ sleep, whether they are good sleepers or bad sleepers. When you have an easy sleeper, it makes sense that you would look at what you did and assume those things created the outcome, especially when you have multiple children and the same approach seems to work for all of them. But families also tend to share temperament traits. Unfortunately, my children all seem to have inherited my temperament rather than my very laid-back husband’s. He can sleep basically anywhere, anytime, on demand, while I absolutely cannot. So it makes sense to me that some families might have several children who are naturally pretty adaptable when it comes to sleep, while another family might have three or four children who all need a lot more support. Of course parenting matters and what we do matters, but we are working with a whole person who came into the world with their own nervous system and temperament. We don’t get to start with a blank slate.
Why this messaging can be so hard for new moms
Everyone is obviously allowed to share their experiences on social media, and hearing what worked for another family can be really cool and helpful. But this particular type of messaging really had me struggling during my first few years of parenting because I always thought I must be doing something wrong. Why wasn’t it this easy for us? Why couldn’t I just lay my baby down drowsy but awake? Why did all of these other moms seem to have a bedtime routine or sleep training method that worked while nothing seemed to work for my babies? I assumed there must be something I hadn’t figured out yet.
Now, I think a lot of the parents sharing really positive sleep training experiences simply have babies for whom sleep training works really well. Sleep training can be relatively easy and stress-free with an easygoing baby, and if you have several babies like that, your perception is probably going to be that you found the trick. There’s a bit of selection bias happening here that I think we rarely acknowledge: your entire understanding of what “works” for babies is being shaped by the particular babies you happened to get. If all three or four of your babies were fairly adaptable and responded easily to the same approach, of course you’re going to think the approach is the reason they sleep so well. Then there’s some confirmation bias on top of that, because when the same thing works again with baby number two and baby number three, it feels like even more proof that you’ve cracked the code.
But you may have never had the experience of a baby who really struggles with sleep and simply does not respond to those same things. It’s very hard to know how much of the outcome is because of what you did and how much is because of the temperament of the babies you happened to have. That doesn’t mean your approach had no impact, and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share what worked for your family. But it also doesn’t mean another parent can follow the exact same steps and get the exact same outcome with a completely different child. I think this is especially important to remember when someone has had several good sleepers and feels like the fact that it worked with ALL of their children proves it must be something they’re doing. It could actually be the opposite! The fact that temperament is partially heritable could be one reason you keep having children who respond similarly to sleep in the first place.
Something else I always find interesting about this conversation is that the things we actually do to get our children to sleep may sometimes be less important than our own attitude, feelings, and perception about their sleep. This is a huge reason my goal has always been to normalize normal infant and child sleep, even when it’s not ideal. That doesn’t mean difficult sleep isn’t exhausting or that we should never try to improve it, and there are absolutely times when something is going on that needs to be addressed. But when we are completely stressed out and convinced that our child’s sleep is a disaster, everything starts to feel so much worse. We start obsessing over how long they slept, how many times they woke up, whether the nap was long enough, whether bedtime was too early or too late, what we did differently yesterday, and what we need to change tonight. Pretty soon, you’re thinking about sleep all day long.
I know because I am very capable of doing this. Because temperament is partially genetic, a lot of us anxious, not-very-adaptable types are probably going to end up with babies who have some of those same traits. Again, unfortunately for me, my children did not get my husband’s ability to simply lie down and go to sleep wherever and whenever. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that my own mental health and attitude around sleep influence my children, too. If I’m incredibly stressed about their sleep, sleep becomes stressful for everyone and I’m not as good at supporting them through it. When I’m more relaxed about it, things tend to feel easier. That is NOT me saying that if you just calm down your baby will magically sleep. I myself am coming from the perspective of having two incredibly difficult, red-flag sleepers who barely slept at all during their first six months because there were underlying issues affecting their sleep. I know firsthand that there can be very real reasons a baby isn’t sleeping well. But stressing about sleep still never made it better.
Sometimes the first step is accepting the baby you have
I also think the mothers most likely to internalize the messaging of, “I just do X, Y and Z, and that’s why all of my babies are great sleepers!” are the anxiety-prone mothers like me. We hear that and immediately think, okay, I need to do that. Then we try to implement all of these things when we’re already exhausted and stressed, constantly evaluating whether they’re working and what we’re doing wrong when they don’t. It can become really chaotic, and ultimately we can make sleep feel so much harder than it already is.
Sometimes, I think we need to forget about all of the things for a little while. There is time for that stuff later. The very first step might just be accepting the baby you have in front of you and calming down about their sleep as much as you can. Get out of the catastrophizing cycle and remind yourself that this is a relatively short season of life and that eventually your child will sleep. Then look at your life right now and figure out practical ways that you can get more sleep while still supporting the sleep needs of the child you currently have. Once you’re feeling better and calmer about sleep, you can slowly start trying to make changes if you want to. It is so much easier to make thoughtful decisions about sleep when you aren’t approaching every night like an emergency. If you haven’t already, make sure to grab this free resource where I share tangible steps for you to improve your sleep right now, even in the midst of supporting a baby at night.
Research on maternal sleep has also found something I think is really fascinating: how mothers are doing isn’t always explained simply by how often their baby wakes. A mother’s perception of her baby’s sleep matters a lot, too. One mom could have a very wakeful baby who needs lots of closeness at night, but she sees it as normal and natural and has found a way of managing it that works for her family, so she might genuinely feel pretty good about the sleep they’re getting. Another mom might have a baby who wakes once a night, but she’s been told that her baby should be sleeping through by now. Maybe her pediatrician keeps asking about it, her family comments on it, or all of her friends’ babies are supposedly sleeping twelve hours, and suddenly that one wake feels like something is terribly wrong. She can actually be getting quite a bit more sleep than the first mother and still feel much worse about the situation.
I have to reflect on my own triggers around this when I talk to new moms because sometimes someone will tell me that their 10-month-old finally started sleeping through the night and how horrible it was before because they were waking once or twice. And internally I’m like, once or twice?! 😂 I would have been SO grateful for a baby who woke once or twice a night until 10 months. My babies didn’t start consistently sleeping through the night until they were closer to four, and during those first four to six months especially, we weren’t dealing with one or two wakes. They couldn’t sleep flat, they were waking every 15–20 minutes, and they weren’t sleeping restfully because of underlying issues.
So hearing someone describe one or two wakes as horrible can absolutely be triggering for me, but I have to remind myself that it’s not about me. Her experience is still her experience, and what feels difficult is incredibly subjective based on our own circumstances, expectations, and what we have been taught to believe is normal. This is exactly why I think the way we talk about infant sleep matters so much. If we convince parents that completely normal waking is a problem that needs to be fixed, a mother can actually be getting a fairly normal amount of sleep and still feel like everything is going horribly.
Find people who have actually been where you are
If you have challenging sleepers, I’d encourage you not to put too much weight on sleep advice from parents who have always had great sleepers. It’s not that they don’t know anything or that they shouldn’t share what worked for them. But they may genuinely have no idea what it’s like to have a baby for whom those things don’t work. If someone has had three babies, and they all responded beautifully to the same sleep approach, maybe that approach is amazing, or maybe they had three babies who were naturally pretty good sleepers. It’s probably some combination of both.
If you have a really challenging sleeper, I think you’re going to get much more useful advice from the parents who have actually gone through it. Ask those parents how they coped, how they adapted, what helped them get more rest, what they stopped worrying about, what practical changes made life easier, and how things changed as their children got older. They probably aren’t going to give you a three-step formula that promises to make your baby sleep through the night. They’re going to understand that sometimes you have to adapt to the baby you have instead of constantly trying to turn them into a different baby.
Your baby’s sleep is not a report card on your parenting. Some babies sleep easily and some don’t, and some families have several great sleepers in a row while other families have several children who need a lot of support for a lot longer. Of course we can influence sleep, make changes, and support healthy sleep habits, but we don’t control all of it. So the next time someone tells you that all of their babies are amazing sleepers because they’ve always done X, Y and Z, take whatever is helpful from their experience and leave the rest. They might have some great ideas, but they also might just have babies who really like to sleep.
If you are wanting support to shift sleep patterns that no longer work for your family, grab one of my comprehensive eCourses, such as The Infant Sleep Foundations eCourse or the Toddler Sleep Foundations eCourse. If you’d prefer 1:1 support, you can book a call or support package.
